By Glenda Gabriel
Core Solutions
www.CoreBB.com
Change . . . an amazingly powerful and often times emotionally charged word. Change can be a word that seems like such a great idea when directed towards someone else; i.e. how “they” can change in a way that will make your life better. At the other end of the spectrum, the word “change” can trigger fear and resistance in a nanosecond if someone says you need to do it. Or, it can be embraced and welcomed by choosing to move forward with an attitude of gratitude and appreciation for the opportunities change can bring to the quality of your life.
Whether you’re toying with the idea that something different needs to be done, already made the decision things must be done differently, or moved to action to create a different outcome, change becomes part of the equation. Change happens in all areas of life. No area of change is seen more intensely then with families of struggling teens.
Needed change seems obvious in a teen whose life has gone off the tracks through poor choices and behaviors and has become a risk to themselves and/or others. When it’s determined that intervention placement in a private residential school or program is the responsible, loving decision needed, it is important to remember that your child’s true and lasting change will not happen fast, nor on your timeline.
Key to remember is that your teen is just one member of your family system. For the optimal outcome, the entire family needs to be committed and open to change. For starters, what’s going on in their life affects all members of your family. Your teen has done a very good job of signaling “this system is not working.” They are waving a very large, very scary red flag. Wise parents will step up to the plate and willingly be part of the solution.
It’s a Process: There are specific stages of change that experts have identified. Lasting change is going to involve going through all of the various stages. But don’t expect change to be made in a straight line. They will go back and forth many times.
1) Being in resistance, or denial, to any change needed.
2) Considering the possibility of the need for change in the future.
3) Decision that change is needed. Making a plan and setting gradual goals.
4) Taking action. Putting specific plans into play.
5) Maintaining and internalizing the change. Incorporating the change into your life.
Look at the changes you’ve made in your own life: changes in diet, workouts, even cutting back on your work schedule. Can you see how these stages in change fluctuated and flowed? How many times did you repeat the steps? Start. Give up. Go back. Start again.
Don’t Hover: The tendency for parents of children in treatment is to hover and hang on their child’s every movement longing to hear a report or some evidence that they’ve had a miraculous “ah-ha” moment. But change generally comes slowly. It evolves. It’s a process of forward and backward movement. How well would it work for you if someone stood over you with the spoken or unspoken expectation of your needing to make changes in order to make them happy? Would that motivate you? Lasting change must come from within. It must come from their own desire of wanting something different for their life.
Care vs. Control: Be interested, but don’t attempt to maneuver or manipulate their changes through enabling, guilt-trips, anger or avoidance. Whether they tell you or not, you are the most important person in their life. Be willing to hear they are struggling. It’s part of the process of change. It’s also an important part of what they need to learn to be successful.
Be supportive: It’s important that your child know you are in alignment, and in support of, their program and staff. If you have an issue or concern in those areas, do not discuss it with your child. Do not let your emotions or tone of voice betray you. If your child is in any resistance to change, they will see that as a chance to divide and manipulate. It’s critical to your child’s and your family’s success, that you create a unified team.
No sugar coating: In your willingness to be part of the solution, be willing to openly hear the reports of your staff. Don’t set yourself up to expect glowing reports every week. You want to know what’s real. Your child is in treatment because serious changes needed to be made. It will take time. Yes, it is hard. But you’re tougher. You have to be. So find things to be happy about, even when the reports aren’t what you wanted to hear. Such as, be grateful your child is safe and with people dedicated to working with both of you.
Be a team player: Make it easy for your staff to work with you. These are people who do what they do because they care about making a difference. Do your part to make sure they were glad they showed up for work today.
Results based: True change will show up in your child’s results. Your child knows what you want to hear. It’s their actions that will speak to their changes, in either forward or backward movement. Pay attention to how they are interacting with their peers, working with staff and responding or reacting to you.
Setbacks: Sometimes successful change can be so frightening to a teen who lacks self-trust and confidence, that it triggers self-sabotage and setback. Recognizing that setbacks are a typical part of the change process can help you prepare for measures on your part that will help your child get back on track.
Take care: Instead of hanging your happiness and well-being on the status of your child’s change, or lack thereof, be good to you. Give yourself permission to enjoy life. Pay attention to your changes. Take this time to restore the balance in your life. If all of your conversations and thoughts are consumed with your program child, then others in your life are getting shortchanged, starting with you. Your child needs a happy, healthy parent who is modeling a life of self-appreciation and personal happiness.
You’re the parent. Your child needs to know they can count on you to stay the course. Be open to learning and seeking ways you can contribute to the solutions your family needs. Be courageous enough to work with your staff, ask your child, ask your family members and self-inventory the changes you can make to create a successful home environment. By your example, your child needs to know that change is not a four letter word.
Glenda Gabriel is a strong advocate for parent's rights and the parent-choice industry. In addition to being the mother of a program graduate, she’s worked for many years developing vital parent support services for structured residential boarding schools.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Reach Out and Touch Someone
Those cherished phone calls with your program child certainly epitomize the phone company slogans of “reach out and touch someone . . . it’s the next best thing to being there”. Parents and students alike, typically look forward with great anticipation to those calls. But when those calls end, have they felt productive? Has it really been the next best thing to being there? Or are you left feeling frustrated? Are you feeling like you missed something important, but didn’t know how to get to it or what to do about it? The good news is that there are some key things you can do to facilitate more beneficial results.
Scrap the Chit-Chat: You want your calls to be meaningful? Save the small talk for the last couple of minutes of your call. For a meaningful call, be prepared to start it that way. For instance begin by asking things like, “So tell me what’s been going on with you in your Program?” “What have you been working on this week?” “What have you learned about you?” What are you most proud of?” Filling your conversations with small talk about the weather, the league standing of their favorite team or who won the Oscars, will not lend value in achieving your family’s healing. Mom and Dad, your calls have been included in your child’s program for a purpose. Decide what your purpose is in preparation for those calls.
Make some notes: By being focused you won’t do the ‘shotgun approach’ of blasting all over the board bouncing from one thing to another. Or be left hoping for a meaningful direction. There are a number of issues your child is working on both personally and in regards to your relationship with them. There won’t be time to address them all in your call so make some notes to keep on track. Ask your staff for their insight and direction. They are on the front lines with your child and know the areas that are challenging them presently. Be a great support system for your child by creating a unified message by means of teaming with your staff.
Your Set up: How are you setting up your questions? Are they open-ended? Or are you asking questions that can always be answered with a yes, no or a one word answers? Unless they are using these calls as a means of manipulating your emotions, they will be forthcoming with information if asked in an interested, non-judgmental way. On the other hand, if your calls do not feel productive, an option is to end them early by saying, “If you don’t have much to talk about, that’s OK. We can give it another shot on your next call. I won’t bore you with my stuff, so I’ll talk to you later.” Don’t make them wrong or guilt them out. Just be matter-of-fact. You’ll likely find your next call to be more productive.
Be OK with their challenges: Setbacks are not only part of progress, they are critical to it. You made a choice to intervene because there were issues that needed to be addressed and handled. Be clear that your child will not learn and progress according to your timetable. Get comfortable in allowing them to learn and progress at their own speed. You have your speed, and they have theirs. Their most valuable lessons are contained within the obstacles they overcome. By remembering that, you let go of expectations. If you want to build an open communication of trust with your child, ‘step into their shoes’ and ‘hear with their ears’ as to what messages you are giving to them. Is it one of believing in their capabilities, or of judgment and disappointment? What would encourage and inspire you?
Be Accountability Focused: Always model accountability for them. You will have a powerful influence on your child if your calls include your ownership of the family healing process. Share your insights for growth and change. Set the pace of being willing to look at the things that aren’t working in your own life, or in the relationship with your child. Be their hero by modeling the courage of change for them. Show them you’re willing to ask, “Is this working for me?”, and if it’s not, that you’re doing something about it.
Assist: Don’t rescue. If during the call they start into a complaining, whining, gripe session, ask them how they resolved it, what their part was in it, or what they did/or could do to create a positive solution. Do not go into reaction. Stay neutral. Assist them by holding up the ‘mirror’ of their accountability. Never get into a ‘gossip’ session about another student. Never, ever engage in bad mouthing or criticizing their staff. If you have concerns or questions, take it directly to your staff. Do not discuss it with your child. As in positive parenting, it is critical that you and the staff present a unified, supportive team for your child. Be a support to your child by holding them accountable and letting go of the consequences they set up for themselves. All choices have consequences. Do not rob them of their lessons by being tempted to rescue them from the consequences of their choices. Let them have their own experience. This is how they learn.
Your phone calls are good information-runs at the progress level of communication between you and your child. While it feels great to hear their voice and feel connected, reach for the deeper purpose. Phone calls aren’t just about making you feel good. Beyond that is the opportunity to build a deep bond with your child. An emotional bond that is forged through them ‘feeling heard’ and knowing they can count on you to care enough to hold them accountable. Those minutes together are precious, and when looked at, contain valuable information for both you and your child.
Scrap the Chit-Chat: You want your calls to be meaningful? Save the small talk for the last couple of minutes of your call. For a meaningful call, be prepared to start it that way. For instance begin by asking things like, “So tell me what’s been going on with you in your Program?” “What have you been working on this week?” “What have you learned about you?” What are you most proud of?” Filling your conversations with small talk about the weather, the league standing of their favorite team or who won the Oscars, will not lend value in achieving your family’s healing. Mom and Dad, your calls have been included in your child’s program for a purpose. Decide what your purpose is in preparation for those calls.
Make some notes: By being focused you won’t do the ‘shotgun approach’ of blasting all over the board bouncing from one thing to another. Or be left hoping for a meaningful direction. There are a number of issues your child is working on both personally and in regards to your relationship with them. There won’t be time to address them all in your call so make some notes to keep on track. Ask your staff for their insight and direction. They are on the front lines with your child and know the areas that are challenging them presently. Be a great support system for your child by creating a unified message by means of teaming with your staff.
Your Set up: How are you setting up your questions? Are they open-ended? Or are you asking questions that can always be answered with a yes, no or a one word answers? Unless they are using these calls as a means of manipulating your emotions, they will be forthcoming with information if asked in an interested, non-judgmental way. On the other hand, if your calls do not feel productive, an option is to end them early by saying, “If you don’t have much to talk about, that’s OK. We can give it another shot on your next call. I won’t bore you with my stuff, so I’ll talk to you later.” Don’t make them wrong or guilt them out. Just be matter-of-fact. You’ll likely find your next call to be more productive.
Be OK with their challenges: Setbacks are not only part of progress, they are critical to it. You made a choice to intervene because there were issues that needed to be addressed and handled. Be clear that your child will not learn and progress according to your timetable. Get comfortable in allowing them to learn and progress at their own speed. You have your speed, and they have theirs. Their most valuable lessons are contained within the obstacles they overcome. By remembering that, you let go of expectations. If you want to build an open communication of trust with your child, ‘step into their shoes’ and ‘hear with their ears’ as to what messages you are giving to them. Is it one of believing in their capabilities, or of judgment and disappointment? What would encourage and inspire you?
Be Accountability Focused: Always model accountability for them. You will have a powerful influence on your child if your calls include your ownership of the family healing process. Share your insights for growth and change. Set the pace of being willing to look at the things that aren’t working in your own life, or in the relationship with your child. Be their hero by modeling the courage of change for them. Show them you’re willing to ask, “Is this working for me?”, and if it’s not, that you’re doing something about it.
Assist: Don’t rescue. If during the call they start into a complaining, whining, gripe session, ask them how they resolved it, what their part was in it, or what they did/or could do to create a positive solution. Do not go into reaction. Stay neutral. Assist them by holding up the ‘mirror’ of their accountability. Never get into a ‘gossip’ session about another student. Never, ever engage in bad mouthing or criticizing their staff. If you have concerns or questions, take it directly to your staff. Do not discuss it with your child. As in positive parenting, it is critical that you and the staff present a unified, supportive team for your child. Be a support to your child by holding them accountable and letting go of the consequences they set up for themselves. All choices have consequences. Do not rob them of their lessons by being tempted to rescue them from the consequences of their choices. Let them have their own experience. This is how they learn.
Your phone calls are good information-runs at the progress level of communication between you and your child. While it feels great to hear their voice and feel connected, reach for the deeper purpose. Phone calls aren’t just about making you feel good. Beyond that is the opportunity to build a deep bond with your child. An emotional bond that is forged through them ‘feeling heard’ and knowing they can count on you to care enough to hold them accountable. Those minutes together are precious, and when looked at, contain valuable information for both you and your child.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Get to know Glenda Gabriel
Get to know one of the main contributing Authors:
Glenda Gabriel is a strong advocate for parent's rights and the parent-choice industry. In addition to being the mother of a program graduate, she's worked for many years developing vital parent support services for structured residential boarding schools.
Having at one time experienced her own child’s self-destructive behavior, she knows first hand the horrific roller coaster of emotions parents go through; helplessness and the loss of hope, fueled by guilt, shame and isolation. No matter how supportive and caring their personal support system, no one really understands what they’re going through.
Driven by a passion to make a difference, and understanding these parents unique needs, Glenda went on to create and introduce many innovative solutions for the parent-choice industry, that work with at-risk youth and their families. The results gave a venue and voice for more parent involvement. These solutions met the parent’s need for support, ‘tightened ranks’ with their child’s program, and encouraged personal ownership so that the entire family was working towards growth and healing. She also started parent support groups organized for parents of at-risk kids who were needing and/or already in treatment. Those groups rapidly multiplied and spread across the country. Her willingness to share her experiences, reasons to hope, and being an advocate for personal ownership, quickly made her a sought after speaker by parent groups, volunteer and humanitarian organizations, PTAs and school faculties, and programs and schools associated with the parent-choice industry.
Glenda points out that everyone has a stake in turning around the lives of kids with out-of-control behavior. Everyone benefits by a willingness to be part of the solution to stop the destruction, because our youth, and their families, are the very heart and foundation of our country. Their success ripples out and benefits us all.
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