Auldern Academy
Siler City, North Carolina
Jane Samuel, Head of School
919.837.2336
http://www.auldern.com/
http://www.threesprings.com/
Visit by Randall Cook , Core Solutions
July 6th, 2007
Initially, I had no intention of actually writing about my Facility visit and posting it. However, I was so taken by my experience at Auldern Academy that I felt it my duty to share it with the many parents, professionals, and even critics who frequent the Struggling Teens hub.
“Auldern Academy” is Scottish for the “Academy by the River,” which well describes the 85 acres of lush grounds surrounding the campus. Auldern sits on a beautiful area of lush green land, with blooming flowers and hedges meticulously placed throughout the campus, tucked away in the North Carolina hills.
Auldern Academy is ideal for young women in grades 9-12 who would benefit from more structure and support than a mainstream school would provide. Auldern accepts students from traditional schools, as well as those who’ve had a successful experience in an emotional growth or therapeutic program. Auldern enables students to best prepare themselves for the challenges of college environment and independence. Not just academically, but emotionally and socially as well. Auldern achieves this result through a combination of Academics, Arts, Crafts, Therapy, Exercise and Family Involvement.
My first impression, upon arriving at the driveway of Auldern’s campus, was so striking I had to stop my little rental car and get out and take a picture. (The picture above.) It was just so beautiful. As I continued my journey up the drive there were slight bends, well manicured lawn on both sides of the road, and each curve displayed well arranged flower beds outlined with rock walls. This awe inspiring experience was further enhanced by the cathedral-like trees standing watch.
After enjoying several minutes more of this pleasant drive I arrived at the main part of the campus. The road and trees opened up presenting some great Southern style architecture located around a very large pond, with water cascading from the center. I parked and exited my car just at the same time some parents were arriving at the Academy. I followed them into the main hall where I was immediately greeted by Staff and more parents. While visiting with Auldern’s parents, it really stood out to me that they had taken the time to educate and familiarize themselves with both NATSAP and IECA. The overall atmosphere was one of true serenity and calmness delivered in a very professional way. It made a great impression upon me.
After some introductions were made, I was guided back to the office of the Head of School, Ms. Jane Samuel and joined by the Assistant Head of School, Mr. William “Bill” Grant. Again I was struck by their very warm and welcoming reception. As we visited, I was very impressed with their passion and pride for the accomplishments and changes that Auldern Academy has made since their arrival about a year ago. They are clearly professionals to be regarded as experts in their field.
We wandered out of the office and toured the campus. It was a great day to be outside. The July weather in North Carolina was better than what I had left behind in Southern California; I hadn’t expected this. As we continued the tour, I was awestruck at the volumes of student artwork and crafts proudly displayed. Collections of paintings, charcoal sketches, pottery, watercolors, oil paintings, scrap booking, sculptures, etc. lined the walls, cabinets and shelf space in each room. It was amazing. There are clearly some incredible artists attending Auldern. I’m sure some have more interest or talent than others, but they certainly have an ample stock of art supplies that even someone like me could learn and enjoy an artistic outlet. In my experience in over a decade of visiting different Schools in different States, Auldern now joins a select few who stand out proud with such detail and character, and such personalized touches that so strongly reflect the talents and interests of their dynamic students.
After touring the computer labs, academic building and dining facilities, we strolled over to the residential housing. There were some young ladies sitting out front in rocking chairs, engaged in small talk, enjoying the beautiful day and appeared captivated by the sounds and movement of the water spraying up in the pond. They were very polite about our interruption and made certain to greet us on our way into the large dorm. Upon entering I could not help but again notice all of the artwork on display. This building really reinforced a home-away-from-home feel; very subtle and soft. It was remarkable. It made me reflect on how confident and comforting this would make me feel, as a parent.
Next, we took our time walking over to the recreation building, strolling past the immense pond. In that building they offer the young ladies a basketball court, stationary bikes, a pool table, a pottery wheel, a wide variety of art supplies, a treadmill, and even an Ab Lounger.
Lunch time was soon approaching so we walked back to the dining hall. The dining hall is painted in a light yellow, with an off-white trim and large windows pouring in sunlight and overlooking the main area of the campus. It had the feel of a cozy Southern Bed and Breakfast. We were offered a very healthy buffet style meal. Jane, Bill, and I took a seat with a couple of students. Just like the young ladies encountered earlier, the parents on campus, and Staff, these students once again made it a point to welcome us to their table. During our meal I was struck by the genuine camaraderie and courteousness that was so evident throughout the campus. Everyone knew everyone else and was so polite to one another. I never got the impression there were any type of cliques or groups anywhere on the campus. Everyone treated each other with dignity and respect.
After lunch, we headed back to Jane’s office. This gave me a chance to get a deeper understanding of Jane’s and Bill’s commitment and respect for the young women they are guiding and families they serve. I got a chance to get to know more about Bill Grant and was very impressed with his experience and education he has to offer. It’s evident that Jane Samuel lives and breaths Auldern Academy, as well as having a good working relationship with the local community. It’s clear she knows every inch of the property and every aspect of the program. She’s in the moment and up to date on what’s happening.
On my drive back I was anxious to call my little family and share my experience, because it had been that memorable.
I would like to thank Jane Samuel, Bill Grant, Crystal Cox, and the rest of the Auldern Staff members I met. They have a winning team. My thanks and appreciation extend to all of the friendly parents and young ladies I met as well. I am excited for what lies ahead for each of you.
Showing posts with label parenting teens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting teens. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
A Win/Win for Families of Struggling Teen and Private Boarding Schools
By Randall Cook
Southern California
Operations Manager
Core Solutions
http://www.corebb.com/
Core Solutions is the next chapter in the evolution of private Schools. It’s not just the best of technology that makes Core Solutions an ideal industry partner. It’s the Core Solutions team’s experience and understanding of this industry that makes their ability to successfully apply and integrate the latest technology to meet the needs of the families, staff and individual programs. Core Solutions creates a win/win scenario for all. Core Solutions private, secured system provides the support, communication, and encouragement parents hunger for when their child is in treatment.
“We are very happy, but most importantly, our parents are delighted with this service", comments Richard Williams, Director of Marketing and Business Development, Three Springs Adolescent Treatment Programs.
In this day and age, parents are eager, and in some cases demanding more parent support and involvement. In attempting to bridge that gap, many Schools offer parent workshops, conferences and seminars. Yet the on-going needs parents naturally have for information, connection and support during the time their child is in their program, outstrips all best efforts of any staff. To each family, there is only one child in the Program … their’s. Yet the Program Staff are responsible for all students in their care. Recognizing the value of mentoring, some Schools have parent support groups meeting in various locations around the country. Yet, many families cannot attend because they do not near enough to the city where they are being held.
The solution? Simply bring the support group to them … in their own living, room, home office, at work, airports, in the US or out. They can be connected anywhere. It is support they can access 24/7, anytime of the day or night, 365 days a year. Parents have a need to connect to someone else who knows exactly what they are going through. They need support and encouragement for their family’s tough challenges. They want to celebrate with someone who will truly understand their joy as progress is made. Who better to do that then other families who have been there, done that? Connecting with other parents sharing their own family healing and who can offer encouragement to stay the course.
“One of the most important trends in private residential schools and programs for children with problems has been to bring parents into the loop,” states Lon Woodbury, Woodbury Reports, Inc. (Parents in the Loop -http://www.strugglingteens.com/artman/publish/article_5493.shtml)
Dean Porterfield, Program Administrator for Three Springs of Duck River reports, “Our relationship with Core Solutions has been a very positive experience and has aided in our Program taking the support we offer our families to the next level. I have heard nothing but positive things from all of my clients. Many have asked, ‘I can't imagine not having the support of the Community Board, how did we survive before?’ It has aided in our families sharing their emotional journeys of growth, and they know support for those tough days is only a click away. In addition, the support services have been exceptional.”
Technology, and the desire of parents to be involved, will not fade away. Welcome this change that will create more opportunity for your parents to become part of the solution. In our commitment to creating a win/win there is a standing invitation for all families who want a “virtual support group” at their Facility. Feel free to contact us to be sure your School is not being overlooked.
Core Solutions will customize your private, secured, Community to meet and support your individual Program format. Learn how simple and quick it is to have your online Community launched. With Core Solutions services in place, you will become known as a Family Friendly Program. http://www.corebb.com/
Randall Cook has applied his vast experience, intensity and insight to Core Solutions and as a result has created an unrivaled value for Core’s client Programs and Schools, and their incredible parents. In the years since graduating an adolescent residential program himself, he went on to work in various capacities in the private youth placement arena. Now being the proud husband and father of a wonderful young family himself, he has found great purpose in serving other parents and their families.
Southern California
Operations Manager
Core Solutions
http://www.corebb.com/
Core Solutions is the next chapter in the evolution of private Schools. It’s not just the best of technology that makes Core Solutions an ideal industry partner. It’s the Core Solutions team’s experience and understanding of this industry that makes their ability to successfully apply and integrate the latest technology to meet the needs of the families, staff and individual programs. Core Solutions creates a win/win scenario for all. Core Solutions private, secured system provides the support, communication, and encouragement parents hunger for when their child is in treatment.
“We are very happy, but most importantly, our parents are delighted with this service", comments Richard Williams, Director of Marketing and Business Development, Three Springs Adolescent Treatment Programs.
In this day and age, parents are eager, and in some cases demanding more parent support and involvement. In attempting to bridge that gap, many Schools offer parent workshops, conferences and seminars. Yet the on-going needs parents naturally have for information, connection and support during the time their child is in their program, outstrips all best efforts of any staff. To each family, there is only one child in the Program … their’s. Yet the Program Staff are responsible for all students in their care. Recognizing the value of mentoring, some Schools have parent support groups meeting in various locations around the country. Yet, many families cannot attend because they do not near enough to the city where they are being held.
The solution? Simply bring the support group to them … in their own living, room, home office, at work, airports, in the US or out. They can be connected anywhere. It is support they can access 24/7, anytime of the day or night, 365 days a year. Parents have a need to connect to someone else who knows exactly what they are going through. They need support and encouragement for their family’s tough challenges. They want to celebrate with someone who will truly understand their joy as progress is made. Who better to do that then other families who have been there, done that? Connecting with other parents sharing their own family healing and who can offer encouragement to stay the course.
“One of the most important trends in private residential schools and programs for children with problems has been to bring parents into the loop,” states Lon Woodbury, Woodbury Reports, Inc. (Parents in the Loop -http://www.strugglingteens.com/artman/publish/article_5493.shtml)
Dean Porterfield, Program Administrator for Three Springs of Duck River reports, “Our relationship with Core Solutions has been a very positive experience and has aided in our Program taking the support we offer our families to the next level. I have heard nothing but positive things from all of my clients. Many have asked, ‘I can't imagine not having the support of the Community Board, how did we survive before?’ It has aided in our families sharing their emotional journeys of growth, and they know support for those tough days is only a click away. In addition, the support services have been exceptional.”
Technology, and the desire of parents to be involved, will not fade away. Welcome this change that will create more opportunity for your parents to become part of the solution. In our commitment to creating a win/win there is a standing invitation for all families who want a “virtual support group” at their Facility. Feel free to contact us to be sure your School is not being overlooked.
Core Solutions will customize your private, secured, Community to meet and support your individual Program format. Learn how simple and quick it is to have your online Community launched. With Core Solutions services in place, you will become known as a Family Friendly Program. http://www.corebb.com/
Randall Cook has applied his vast experience, intensity and insight to Core Solutions and as a result has created an unrivaled value for Core’s client Programs and Schools, and their incredible parents. In the years since graduating an adolescent residential program himself, he went on to work in various capacities in the private youth placement arena. Now being the proud husband and father of a wonderful young family himself, he has found great purpose in serving other parents and their families.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Reach Out and Touch Someone
Those cherished phone calls with your program child certainly epitomize the phone company slogans of “reach out and touch someone . . . it’s the next best thing to being there”. Parents and students alike, typically look forward with great anticipation to those calls. But when those calls end, have they felt productive? Has it really been the next best thing to being there? Or are you left feeling frustrated? Are you feeling like you missed something important, but didn’t know how to get to it or what to do about it? The good news is that there are some key things you can do to facilitate more beneficial results.
Scrap the Chit-Chat: You want your calls to be meaningful? Save the small talk for the last couple of minutes of your call. For a meaningful call, be prepared to start it that way. For instance begin by asking things like, “So tell me what’s been going on with you in your Program?” “What have you been working on this week?” “What have you learned about you?” What are you most proud of?” Filling your conversations with small talk about the weather, the league standing of their favorite team or who won the Oscars, will not lend value in achieving your family’s healing. Mom and Dad, your calls have been included in your child’s program for a purpose. Decide what your purpose is in preparation for those calls.
Make some notes: By being focused you won’t do the ‘shotgun approach’ of blasting all over the board bouncing from one thing to another. Or be left hoping for a meaningful direction. There are a number of issues your child is working on both personally and in regards to your relationship with them. There won’t be time to address them all in your call so make some notes to keep on track. Ask your staff for their insight and direction. They are on the front lines with your child and know the areas that are challenging them presently. Be a great support system for your child by creating a unified message by means of teaming with your staff.
Your Set up: How are you setting up your questions? Are they open-ended? Or are you asking questions that can always be answered with a yes, no or a one word answers? Unless they are using these calls as a means of manipulating your emotions, they will be forthcoming with information if asked in an interested, non-judgmental way. On the other hand, if your calls do not feel productive, an option is to end them early by saying, “If you don’t have much to talk about, that’s OK. We can give it another shot on your next call. I won’t bore you with my stuff, so I’ll talk to you later.” Don’t make them wrong or guilt them out. Just be matter-of-fact. You’ll likely find your next call to be more productive.
Be OK with their challenges: Setbacks are not only part of progress, they are critical to it. You made a choice to intervene because there were issues that needed to be addressed and handled. Be clear that your child will not learn and progress according to your timetable. Get comfortable in allowing them to learn and progress at their own speed. You have your speed, and they have theirs. Their most valuable lessons are contained within the obstacles they overcome. By remembering that, you let go of expectations. If you want to build an open communication of trust with your child, ‘step into their shoes’ and ‘hear with their ears’ as to what messages you are giving to them. Is it one of believing in their capabilities, or of judgment and disappointment? What would encourage and inspire you?
Be Accountability Focused: Always model accountability for them. You will have a powerful influence on your child if your calls include your ownership of the family healing process. Share your insights for growth and change. Set the pace of being willing to look at the things that aren’t working in your own life, or in the relationship with your child. Be their hero by modeling the courage of change for them. Show them you’re willing to ask, “Is this working for me?”, and if it’s not, that you’re doing something about it.
Assist: Don’t rescue. If during the call they start into a complaining, whining, gripe session, ask them how they resolved it, what their part was in it, or what they did/or could do to create a positive solution. Do not go into reaction. Stay neutral. Assist them by holding up the ‘mirror’ of their accountability. Never get into a ‘gossip’ session about another student. Never, ever engage in bad mouthing or criticizing their staff. If you have concerns or questions, take it directly to your staff. Do not discuss it with your child. As in positive parenting, it is critical that you and the staff present a unified, supportive team for your child. Be a support to your child by holding them accountable and letting go of the consequences they set up for themselves. All choices have consequences. Do not rob them of their lessons by being tempted to rescue them from the consequences of their choices. Let them have their own experience. This is how they learn.
Your phone calls are good information-runs at the progress level of communication between you and your child. While it feels great to hear their voice and feel connected, reach for the deeper purpose. Phone calls aren’t just about making you feel good. Beyond that is the opportunity to build a deep bond with your child. An emotional bond that is forged through them ‘feeling heard’ and knowing they can count on you to care enough to hold them accountable. Those minutes together are precious, and when looked at, contain valuable information for both you and your child.
Scrap the Chit-Chat: You want your calls to be meaningful? Save the small talk for the last couple of minutes of your call. For a meaningful call, be prepared to start it that way. For instance begin by asking things like, “So tell me what’s been going on with you in your Program?” “What have you been working on this week?” “What have you learned about you?” What are you most proud of?” Filling your conversations with small talk about the weather, the league standing of their favorite team or who won the Oscars, will not lend value in achieving your family’s healing. Mom and Dad, your calls have been included in your child’s program for a purpose. Decide what your purpose is in preparation for those calls.
Make some notes: By being focused you won’t do the ‘shotgun approach’ of blasting all over the board bouncing from one thing to another. Or be left hoping for a meaningful direction. There are a number of issues your child is working on both personally and in regards to your relationship with them. There won’t be time to address them all in your call so make some notes to keep on track. Ask your staff for their insight and direction. They are on the front lines with your child and know the areas that are challenging them presently. Be a great support system for your child by creating a unified message by means of teaming with your staff.
Your Set up: How are you setting up your questions? Are they open-ended? Or are you asking questions that can always be answered with a yes, no or a one word answers? Unless they are using these calls as a means of manipulating your emotions, they will be forthcoming with information if asked in an interested, non-judgmental way. On the other hand, if your calls do not feel productive, an option is to end them early by saying, “If you don’t have much to talk about, that’s OK. We can give it another shot on your next call. I won’t bore you with my stuff, so I’ll talk to you later.” Don’t make them wrong or guilt them out. Just be matter-of-fact. You’ll likely find your next call to be more productive.
Be OK with their challenges: Setbacks are not only part of progress, they are critical to it. You made a choice to intervene because there were issues that needed to be addressed and handled. Be clear that your child will not learn and progress according to your timetable. Get comfortable in allowing them to learn and progress at their own speed. You have your speed, and they have theirs. Their most valuable lessons are contained within the obstacles they overcome. By remembering that, you let go of expectations. If you want to build an open communication of trust with your child, ‘step into their shoes’ and ‘hear with their ears’ as to what messages you are giving to them. Is it one of believing in their capabilities, or of judgment and disappointment? What would encourage and inspire you?
Be Accountability Focused: Always model accountability for them. You will have a powerful influence on your child if your calls include your ownership of the family healing process. Share your insights for growth and change. Set the pace of being willing to look at the things that aren’t working in your own life, or in the relationship with your child. Be their hero by modeling the courage of change for them. Show them you’re willing to ask, “Is this working for me?”, and if it’s not, that you’re doing something about it.
Assist: Don’t rescue. If during the call they start into a complaining, whining, gripe session, ask them how they resolved it, what their part was in it, or what they did/or could do to create a positive solution. Do not go into reaction. Stay neutral. Assist them by holding up the ‘mirror’ of their accountability. Never get into a ‘gossip’ session about another student. Never, ever engage in bad mouthing or criticizing their staff. If you have concerns or questions, take it directly to your staff. Do not discuss it with your child. As in positive parenting, it is critical that you and the staff present a unified, supportive team for your child. Be a support to your child by holding them accountable and letting go of the consequences they set up for themselves. All choices have consequences. Do not rob them of their lessons by being tempted to rescue them from the consequences of their choices. Let them have their own experience. This is how they learn.
Your phone calls are good information-runs at the progress level of communication between you and your child. While it feels great to hear their voice and feel connected, reach for the deeper purpose. Phone calls aren’t just about making you feel good. Beyond that is the opportunity to build a deep bond with your child. An emotional bond that is forged through them ‘feeling heard’ and knowing they can count on you to care enough to hold them accountable. Those minutes together are precious, and when looked at, contain valuable information for both you and your child.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
The holidays cometh. Stores are stocked with gifts galore. Colorful, twinkling lights adorn windows, eaves and trees. Lists are made and checked twice. Families once again plan to share their own special time-honored traditions. Giving reigns above receiving. And in stores, Andy Williams once again croons, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
But if you're a parent whose child is away from home in treatment, it may not feel overly wonderful. Though grateful for the help they are getting, you may be struggling with loss, emptiness and even guilt. You wonder how you'll ever get through this holiday season without them home. Your commitment wavers and you might even start rationalizing about bringing them home early. You cry new tears and at times resent the holiday joy going on around you.
Stop! You do not have to go down that path. Doing so will not lead to anything good or productive. Step back and look at the Big Picture for your family. Yes, it will be different this year. But that doesn't mean it can't be a wonderful, joyful, gratitude filled holiday. Is your holiday glass half full or half empty? Start with a dose of reality.
This is a good time to revisit why it became necessary to seek 24/7 help for your child. Write down all the reasons you had for making that most difficult decision for placement. List all the fears you had for your child and all the chaos and trauma going on in your home at the time. Do this to remind yourself of the necessity of your decision and of your responsibility to act in the best interest of your child. Now reflect back on how you felt once you knew your child was safe and being cared for, guided and instructed by dedicated, caring professionals who are completely focused on your child's well-being. Remember how it felt to finally have hope again?
Though this holiday season will be different with your child away, it not only is possible to make it a joy-filled time, it is vital that you are determined to do just that.
For starters, you deserve joy and happiness. A short while ago things were looking rather grim for your family as you watched your child spiral out of control. But today your child is safe and working toward his or her future. There is much to celebrate this season, not the least of which was the courage and commitment you demonstrated by getting the help your child needed. It is critical to your family healing process that you take care of yourself and give yourself permission to be joyful.
Next, as parents, it's your job to set the tone and the example for your children. While their friends may play an important part in their lives, you are their role model. They look to you for clues on how to navigate through life. Ask yourself this, "If my child were to duplicate my attitude about how I feel about the holiday season, would I be okay with that?" Are you modeling attitudes of depression, sadness, loss and anxiety…or happiness, joy, hope and gratitude? How would you want your child to feel and behave?
Are there other siblings at home? They likely have taken a backseat to their program-sibling for a long time. Those at-risk teens have a way of throwing a family's balance way out of whack. The other kids deserve to have the focus put back on them. Pay attention to how much focus is given to the child who is away from home vs. the children still at home. Is it fair? Is it balanced? Are they feeling as important as their sibling who's away? Don't they deserve to have a fun-filled holiday season? The same thing holds true for your spouse or other dear friends and extended family. Focus on enjoying your time with them. Open up dialogue and find out how they are feeling and what they'd like to do to make this time special. Find out what their needs are and determine to create a tighter bond with them.
Do you have a family holiday tradition that you're finding hard to face this year without your program-child at home to participate? Putting the emphasis on those at home who look forward to that special holiday tradition can create a shift towards an "attitude of gratitude." If it still seems insurmountable to you, then put that tradition on hold for now and create a new one. Maybe something that represents the forward growth for your family. Find a way to be in service to someone else. Perhaps there are shut-ins in your neighborhood or church group…lonely people, whose families are not nearby. Find a way to include them and make them feel remembered and special this holiday season. Nothing cures emptiness faster then being in heartfelt service to someone whose day you can cheer.
Be supportive of the holiday policies and procedures of your child's program. They have been established with purpose and reason, i.e., from the limited space at the facility, to teaching values, such as the spirit of the holidays and the value of family vs. the materialism of our society. If your child has had a "sense of entitlement" attitude, pay attention to how you have helped set that up in the past. Also, be mindful of how violating the guidelines sends your child a message that it's okay to break the rules. It's neither something that's worked well for them in the past, nor will it when they return home and are expected to abide by the rules and structure in place. Again, model the behavior you want them to emulate.
Re-focus on your family and facility's long term goals and commitments. Make sure your choices are truly in the best interests of your child. There's obviously not a set standard, industry wide or program to program regarding holidays gifts, but if what you send is in direct violation to your school's guidelines as a means to compensate for your guilt, then intentionally violating the school's policy will not make matters any better. If buying your child's love and respect was a solution before the program, they wouldn't be there today. Also recognize that if you bring them home before program completion because you miss them, then that is about your needs, not theirs. For two-household families, work in concert with each other. Co-parent for the benefit of your child and work as a team with your school.
And for those parents who are considering placement now . . . if it is needed, do not wait. If your child is in crisis mode, then so is your entire family. If that child were in need of an appendectomy, you wouldn't postpone doing it till after gifts were unwrapped or some other family tradition celebrated. You would do it when it was needed, before the crisis intensified. Postponing placement so you won't have to be without them at the holidays, is again about your needs, not theirs. As a parent, you have the responsibility to make decisions based on their best interests. Be realistic. If things have already deteriorated to that level, it is unlikely you would be having the Hallmark-holiday you want anyway.
Make this a meaningful holiday for all of your family members. Yes, it will be different, but it doesn't mean that it can't be wonderful. You get to decide. Choose to create joy and gratitude in all that you do. Find new ways to capture the spirit of the holidays. Approach this season determined to look back with pride on this time as a bright spot in your family's history. Because of your child's program, you have new reason to have joyful hope and anticipation for the future. These are all definite ingredients that make up "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
About The Author:
Glenda Gabriel is a strong advocate for parent's rights and the parent-choice industry. In addition to being the mother of a program graduate, she's worked for many years developing vital parent support services for structured residential boarding schools.
But if you're a parent whose child is away from home in treatment, it may not feel overly wonderful. Though grateful for the help they are getting, you may be struggling with loss, emptiness and even guilt. You wonder how you'll ever get through this holiday season without them home. Your commitment wavers and you might even start rationalizing about bringing them home early. You cry new tears and at times resent the holiday joy going on around you.
Stop! You do not have to go down that path. Doing so will not lead to anything good or productive. Step back and look at the Big Picture for your family. Yes, it will be different this year. But that doesn't mean it can't be a wonderful, joyful, gratitude filled holiday. Is your holiday glass half full or half empty? Start with a dose of reality.
This is a good time to revisit why it became necessary to seek 24/7 help for your child. Write down all the reasons you had for making that most difficult decision for placement. List all the fears you had for your child and all the chaos and trauma going on in your home at the time. Do this to remind yourself of the necessity of your decision and of your responsibility to act in the best interest of your child. Now reflect back on how you felt once you knew your child was safe and being cared for, guided and instructed by dedicated, caring professionals who are completely focused on your child's well-being. Remember how it felt to finally have hope again?
Though this holiday season will be different with your child away, it not only is possible to make it a joy-filled time, it is vital that you are determined to do just that.
For starters, you deserve joy and happiness. A short while ago things were looking rather grim for your family as you watched your child spiral out of control. But today your child is safe and working toward his or her future. There is much to celebrate this season, not the least of which was the courage and commitment you demonstrated by getting the help your child needed. It is critical to your family healing process that you take care of yourself and give yourself permission to be joyful.
Next, as parents, it's your job to set the tone and the example for your children. While their friends may play an important part in their lives, you are their role model. They look to you for clues on how to navigate through life. Ask yourself this, "If my child were to duplicate my attitude about how I feel about the holiday season, would I be okay with that?" Are you modeling attitudes of depression, sadness, loss and anxiety…or happiness, joy, hope and gratitude? How would you want your child to feel and behave?
Are there other siblings at home? They likely have taken a backseat to their program-sibling for a long time. Those at-risk teens have a way of throwing a family's balance way out of whack. The other kids deserve to have the focus put back on them. Pay attention to how much focus is given to the child who is away from home vs. the children still at home. Is it fair? Is it balanced? Are they feeling as important as their sibling who's away? Don't they deserve to have a fun-filled holiday season? The same thing holds true for your spouse or other dear friends and extended family. Focus on enjoying your time with them. Open up dialogue and find out how they are feeling and what they'd like to do to make this time special. Find out what their needs are and determine to create a tighter bond with them.
Do you have a family holiday tradition that you're finding hard to face this year without your program-child at home to participate? Putting the emphasis on those at home who look forward to that special holiday tradition can create a shift towards an "attitude of gratitude." If it still seems insurmountable to you, then put that tradition on hold for now and create a new one. Maybe something that represents the forward growth for your family. Find a way to be in service to someone else. Perhaps there are shut-ins in your neighborhood or church group…lonely people, whose families are not nearby. Find a way to include them and make them feel remembered and special this holiday season. Nothing cures emptiness faster then being in heartfelt service to someone whose day you can cheer.
Be supportive of the holiday policies and procedures of your child's program. They have been established with purpose and reason, i.e., from the limited space at the facility, to teaching values, such as the spirit of the holidays and the value of family vs. the materialism of our society. If your child has had a "sense of entitlement" attitude, pay attention to how you have helped set that up in the past. Also, be mindful of how violating the guidelines sends your child a message that it's okay to break the rules. It's neither something that's worked well for them in the past, nor will it when they return home and are expected to abide by the rules and structure in place. Again, model the behavior you want them to emulate.
Re-focus on your family and facility's long term goals and commitments. Make sure your choices are truly in the best interests of your child. There's obviously not a set standard, industry wide or program to program regarding holidays gifts, but if what you send is in direct violation to your school's guidelines as a means to compensate for your guilt, then intentionally violating the school's policy will not make matters any better. If buying your child's love and respect was a solution before the program, they wouldn't be there today. Also recognize that if you bring them home before program completion because you miss them, then that is about your needs, not theirs. For two-household families, work in concert with each other. Co-parent for the benefit of your child and work as a team with your school.
And for those parents who are considering placement now . . . if it is needed, do not wait. If your child is in crisis mode, then so is your entire family. If that child were in need of an appendectomy, you wouldn't postpone doing it till after gifts were unwrapped or some other family tradition celebrated. You would do it when it was needed, before the crisis intensified. Postponing placement so you won't have to be without them at the holidays, is again about your needs, not theirs. As a parent, you have the responsibility to make decisions based on their best interests. Be realistic. If things have already deteriorated to that level, it is unlikely you would be having the Hallmark-holiday you want anyway.
Make this a meaningful holiday for all of your family members. Yes, it will be different, but it doesn't mean that it can't be wonderful. You get to decide. Choose to create joy and gratitude in all that you do. Find new ways to capture the spirit of the holidays. Approach this season determined to look back with pride on this time as a bright spot in your family's history. Because of your child's program, you have new reason to have joyful hope and anticipation for the future. These are all definite ingredients that make up "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
About The Author:
Glenda Gabriel is a strong advocate for parent's rights and the parent-choice industry. In addition to being the mother of a program graduate, she's worked for many years developing vital parent support services for structured residential boarding schools.
PARENT MENTORING WORKS
Anxiety. Guilt. Fear. Shame. Isolation. These are constant companions for parents of at-risk teens. In contrast to parents of other children with special needs, they find little, if any, compassion and understanding. Rather, they are faced with overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, discouragement, failure, fingers of blame pointed at them, harsh judgment and criticism. Support withdraws. People turn away and walk a wide circle around them, as though their pain might be contagious. A pariah. The one to be avoided. I know first hand what it feels like to live in that dark, frightening place.
Despite everything you have tried, your child continues to self-destruct. You dread the phone ringing because it likely means more bad news from the school, your neighbors and/ or the authorities. None of their solutions are working either. Yet, the love for your child, and your resolve to halt their downward spiral, forges your sense of duty and responsibility to find a solution before all remaining options disappear.
With great courage, you research new alternatives and are heartened to find professionals dedicated to helping families, just like yours. As you transition through the steps of placement, the roller coaster ride of emotions surge onward as you embark on a new chapter.
Although you may experience a sense of relief in knowing that your child is beginning to get help, you also feel the emotional void of not having them in your home, a void that you must fill. As I moved on from being one of those people, to working with other parents experiencing the same things, I learned first hand how coaching and encouragement from peer parents can lift that enormous burden. For me, the giving and receiving of mentoring was an invaluable part of the family healing process.
Shortly after my child's placement, I was fortunate to be part of a parent support group. Through that unity and support, we not only helped ourselves, but also helped each other. Within that system of 'parent mentoring,' we saw our own direction better and became more capable of focusing on being part of the solution. For the first time in a long time, we had reason to hope.
Developing and strengthening our parent network allowed us to stop focusing solely on our child and 'tend to the wounds' of the other people in our family, including ourselves. The need for parents to take care of themselves is a frequently overlooked, fundamental basic. However, it's much like the flight attendant's speech at take-off, "if the need for oxygen becomes necessary, you must place the oxygen mask on yourself first before lending aid to someone else." There is a heavy toll placed on each member of the family of an at-risk teen, and to provide the best possible support for your child as they work to make and sustain the changes required, it is vital to "place the oxygen mask on yourself first."
As a result, the parent support mentoring system affords you a "soft place to fall," and you start to regain some balance in your life. There is strength in numbers, and from that strength, you build a reservoir of energies that allows you to invest in the support of your child's program. It also allows you to support the program in which you placed your trust and your child. With the support of your parent mentors, you know you're no longer tackling this challenge on your own. While mentoring one of your peer-parents, you often find that you not only helped to lift their spirits, but also lifted your own, thus creating a better day for both of you. As parent mentors, we invite you to join us in the excitement of looking forward to the parent conferences at your child's school and reaffirming those lessons with other peer parents when you return home. Your parent mentors will cheer you on and celebrate joyful days, as well as exchange concerns, information and offer practical ways to create solutions. You will learn from each other, laugh together and lead by example, which will create long-lasting bonds of friendship. In addition, these bonds will help you and your family to become an active and important member of your School's team effort.
This is such a personal battle and there are no instruction manuals on how to make these big changes, but with the help of other parents who have already experienced and truly understand these challenges, it is easier. It's like the old adage of "it takes one to know one," that makes peer mentoring a benefit to parents as much as it does our kids.
On those days when you want to give up, draw on the strength and support of your fellow parent mentors. At this point, it may be hard for you to visualize that light at the end of the tunnel. However, if you stay the course , and take advantage of all the resources available to you, both you and your child will pull through it.
Remember . . . no one ever said it would be easy . . . just worth it!
About the Author:
Glenda Gabriel is an advocate for parents rights and the parent choice industry. She has worked to develop vital parent support services for structured residential boarding schools.
Despite everything you have tried, your child continues to self-destruct. You dread the phone ringing because it likely means more bad news from the school, your neighbors and/ or the authorities. None of their solutions are working either. Yet, the love for your child, and your resolve to halt their downward spiral, forges your sense of duty and responsibility to find a solution before all remaining options disappear.
With great courage, you research new alternatives and are heartened to find professionals dedicated to helping families, just like yours. As you transition through the steps of placement, the roller coaster ride of emotions surge onward as you embark on a new chapter.
Although you may experience a sense of relief in knowing that your child is beginning to get help, you also feel the emotional void of not having them in your home, a void that you must fill. As I moved on from being one of those people, to working with other parents experiencing the same things, I learned first hand how coaching and encouragement from peer parents can lift that enormous burden. For me, the giving and receiving of mentoring was an invaluable part of the family healing process.
Shortly after my child's placement, I was fortunate to be part of a parent support group. Through that unity and support, we not only helped ourselves, but also helped each other. Within that system of 'parent mentoring,' we saw our own direction better and became more capable of focusing on being part of the solution. For the first time in a long time, we had reason to hope.
Developing and strengthening our parent network allowed us to stop focusing solely on our child and 'tend to the wounds' of the other people in our family, including ourselves. The need for parents to take care of themselves is a frequently overlooked, fundamental basic. However, it's much like the flight attendant's speech at take-off, "if the need for oxygen becomes necessary, you must place the oxygen mask on yourself first before lending aid to someone else." There is a heavy toll placed on each member of the family of an at-risk teen, and to provide the best possible support for your child as they work to make and sustain the changes required, it is vital to "place the oxygen mask on yourself first."
As a result, the parent support mentoring system affords you a "soft place to fall," and you start to regain some balance in your life. There is strength in numbers, and from that strength, you build a reservoir of energies that allows you to invest in the support of your child's program. It also allows you to support the program in which you placed your trust and your child. With the support of your parent mentors, you know you're no longer tackling this challenge on your own. While mentoring one of your peer-parents, you often find that you not only helped to lift their spirits, but also lifted your own, thus creating a better day for both of you. As parent mentors, we invite you to join us in the excitement of looking forward to the parent conferences at your child's school and reaffirming those lessons with other peer parents when you return home. Your parent mentors will cheer you on and celebrate joyful days, as well as exchange concerns, information and offer practical ways to create solutions. You will learn from each other, laugh together and lead by example, which will create long-lasting bonds of friendship. In addition, these bonds will help you and your family to become an active and important member of your School's team effort.
This is such a personal battle and there are no instruction manuals on how to make these big changes, but with the help of other parents who have already experienced and truly understand these challenges, it is easier. It's like the old adage of "it takes one to know one," that makes peer mentoring a benefit to parents as much as it does our kids.
On those days when you want to give up, draw on the strength and support of your fellow parent mentors. At this point, it may be hard for you to visualize that light at the end of the tunnel. However, if you stay the course , and take advantage of all the resources available to you, both you and your child will pull through it.
Remember . . . no one ever said it would be easy . . . just worth it!
About the Author:
Glenda Gabriel is an advocate for parents rights and the parent choice industry. She has worked to develop vital parent support services for structured residential boarding schools.
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