Change is Not a Four Letter Word

By Glenda Gabriel
Core Solutions
www.CoreBB.com


Change . . . an amazingly powerful and often times emotionally charged word. Change can be a word that seems like such a great idea when directed towards someone else; i.e. how “they” can change in a way that will make your life better. At the other end of the spectrum, the word “change” can trigger fear and resistance in a nanosecond if someone says you need to do it. Or, it can be embraced and welcomed by choosing to move forward with an attitude of gratitude and appreciation for the opportunities change can bring to the quality of your life.

Whether you’re toying with the idea that something different needs to be done, already made the decision things must be done differently, or moved to action to create a different outcome, change becomes part of the equation. Change happens in all areas of life. No area of change is seen more intensely then with families of struggling teens.

Needed change seems obvious in a teen whose life has gone off the tracks through poor choices and behaviors and has become a risk to themselves and/or others. When it’s determined that intervention placement in a private residential school or program is the responsible, loving decision needed, it is important to remember that your child’s true and lasting change will not happen fast, nor on your timeline.

Key to remember is that your teen is just one member of your family system. For the optimal outcome, the entire family needs to be committed and open to change. For starters, what’s going on in their life affects all members of your family. Your teen has done a very good job of signaling “this system is not working.” They are waving a very large, very scary red flag. Wise parents will step up to the plate and willingly be part of the solution.

It’s a Process: There are specific stages of change that experts have identified. Lasting change is going to involve going through all of the various stages. But don’t expect change to be made in a straight line. They will go back and forth many times.

1) Being in resistance, or denial, to any change needed.
2) Considering the possibility of the need for change in the future.
3) Decision that change is needed. Making a plan and setting gradual goals.
4) Taking action. Putting specific plans into play.
5) Maintaining and internalizing the change. Incorporating the change into your life.

Look at the changes you’ve made in your own life: changes in diet, workouts, even cutting back on your work schedule. Can you see how these stages in change fluctuated and flowed? How many times did you repeat the steps? Start. Give up. Go back. Start again.

Don’t Hover: The tendency for parents of children in treatment is to hover and hang on their child’s every movement longing to hear a report or some evidence that they’ve had a miraculous “ah-ha” moment. But change generally comes slowly. It evolves. It’s a process of forward and backward movement. How well would it work for you if someone stood over you with the spoken or unspoken expectation of your needing to make changes in order to make them happy? Would that motivate you? Lasting change must come from within. It must come from their own desire of wanting something different for their life.

Care vs. Control: Be interested, but don’t attempt to maneuver or manipulate their changes through enabling, guilt-trips, anger or avoidance. Whether they tell you or not, you are the most important person in their life. Be willing to hear they are struggling. It’s part of the process of change. It’s also an important part of what they need to learn to be successful.

Be supportive: It’s important that your child know you are in alignment, and in support of, their program and staff. If you have an issue or concern in those areas, do not discuss it with your child. Do not let your emotions or tone of voice betray you. If your child is in any resistance to change, they will see that as a chance to divide and manipulate. It’s critical to your child’s and your family’s success, that you create a unified team.

No sugar coating: In your willingness to be part of the solution, be willing to openly hear the reports of your staff. Don’t set yourself up to expect glowing reports every week. You want to know what’s real. Your child is in treatment because serious changes needed to be made. It will take time. Yes, it is hard. But you’re tougher. You have to be. So find things to be happy about, even when the reports aren’t what you wanted to hear. Such as, be grateful your child is safe and with people dedicated to working with both of you.

Be a team player: Make it easy for your staff to work with you. These are people who do what they do because they care about making a difference. Do your part to make sure they were glad they showed up for work today.

Results based: True change will show up in your child’s results. Your child knows what you want to hear. It’s their actions that will speak to their changes, in either forward or backward movement. Pay attention to how they are interacting with their peers, working with staff and responding or reacting to you.

Setbacks: Sometimes successful change can be so frightening to a teen who lacks self-trust and confidence, that it triggers self-sabotage and setback. Recognizing that setbacks are a typical part of the change process can help you prepare for measures on your part that will help your child get back on track.

Take care: Instead of hanging your happiness and well-being on the status of your child’s change, or lack thereof, be good to you. Give yourself permission to enjoy life. Pay attention to your changes. Take this time to restore the balance in your life. If all of your conversations and thoughts are consumed with your program child, then others in your life are getting shortchanged, starting with you. Your child needs a happy, healthy parent who is modeling a life of self-appreciation and personal happiness.

You’re the parent. Your child needs to know they can count on you to stay the course. Be open to learning and seeking ways you can contribute to the solutions your family needs. Be courageous enough to work with your staff, ask your child, ask your family members and self-inventory the changes you can make to create a successful home environment. By your example, your child needs to know that change is not a four letter word.


Glenda Gabriel is a strong advocate for parent's rights and the parent-choice industry. In addition to being the mother of a program graduate, she’s worked for many years developing vital parent support services for structured residential boarding schools.

DE-STRESS THE PROCESS

The decision of placing your child in treatment may likely be the toughest decision you've ever made. Emotions and stress run amok. The pressure to make the right decision for your child is overwhelming. Since there are no quick fixes or easy answers, how do you get through this time? How do you de-stress and decompress? What can you do to make it easier on yourself and help your child? Chunk it down into manageable pieces. Here are five specific things you can do to eliminate that feeling of being on an emotional roller coaster.

1.) Recognize That You Are In Control Of Your Life: With all the emotional turmoil, tears, fears, worry, hand-wringing and frustrations that have invaded you and your family's life because of your child's out-of-control behavior, you may not feel that you are in control. Certainly, there are circumstances that you cannot control, but you always have control over how you deal with events and circumstances. It's a matter of reacting vs. responding. For example, when your teen launches into a screaming tirade and your reaction is to escalate it with rants and raves of your own, versus thinking before you speak and responding in a normal tone of voice. Always being in a reactionary state will fuel stress and keep life in an upheaval. You have control over your emotions and you get to choose. By merely reacting to events and circumstances, you give up control. The reactions control your life, but by responding instead of just reacting, you are in charge. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do, nor can they make you feel anything you don't feel. You are in control.

2.) Trust Yourself: Pay attention to your gut instinct, that quiet place within. Whatever name you give it, listen to it. It's there as your own personal compass. It will never fail you. Ever had the experience of going against that feeling? How'd that work for you? Ever have the experience of trusting that feeling? That worked better, didn't it? It always does. If you're not used to accessing your own personal beacon, start paying attention to it. It serves all areas of your life. It's a skill you can fine tune and become more sensitive to. Nowhere in your life will that be of more importance then as you make your way through the haze of confusion you feel when dealing with a struggling teen. Take the time to quiet your mind and shut out other distractions. Learn to listen to that quiet voice within. Sometimes you might not like the answer you get, but it is important to pay attention to it nonetheless. Ignoring your natural knowing can set up bigger hurts and/or disappointments and stretch out the learning curve on lessons you need to learn.

3.) Do Your Homework: Living in the information age can be a double-edged sword. Never before has there been a time when you could gather such vast amounts of information, so quickly. The huge arena of resources and solutions available can be overwhelming. One option that might serve your family well is to enlist the aid of an Educational Consultant to help you sort through all this information. From their experience of working with program staff, and making on-site visits to many schools and programs, they are in an excellent position to offer direction and clarity. They are there to help you determine the best option for your family, but you need to do your part as well. Be open to their coaching. Listen for the purpose of learning and understanding. You are in new territory, but you don't have to reinvent the wheel.

4.) Partner With Your School: Having explored your options, you've made careful decisions and chosen a placement for your child. From day one, commit to work as a dependable team member with the school or program. The adage, "United we stand, divided we fall" applies here. As parents, you've undoubtedly had the experience of your children playing Mom against Dad for their own purposes. All kids do it at some point. Now it's been necessary to 'extend' your family to include the professionals at your child's school, because you need their help. This is one of those areas where trusting yourself comes into play. You trusted yourself to choose this program, now align with them and make sure your child knows you are all working together and that you support each other. Before placement, you tried many different things to get your child's behavior turned around. Now you've asked your child's school for their help and they have a lot of experience to draw on. Use it. Rely on these professionals who are dedicated to helping your child and your family. Follow their direction. Be teachable. Model respect for your child by abiding by the rules and guidelines they have set in place. There's a reason they are there. Be an asset to your sSchool. Create a united front for your child.

5.) Be Open to Change: Your child is just one member of your family. You are another. You all interact and influence each other's lives. As the parent, you're hoping your child will grab this gift for a chance to begin anew and make changes that will benefit their life from this time forward. It's real easy and real tempting, to put the entire focus on them. But if you want to make a real impact on your child, support them with love, but put the focus back on you. Be courageous enough to openly identify what you can change to create a better outcome; a better relationship with your spouse, your child or the other children at home. What can you do to be a happier, more contented you? Your happiness is not dependent on whether or not your child ever makes any turnaround choices. It's not their job to make you happy. They are working hard enough on their own. Don't put the pressure, spoken or even hinted at, that they are responsible for your happiness too. If you want to gain the respect of your child, be willing to look at your own life, choices and actions. Be willing to own them, just like you're hoping they will do. Set the pace for them. Get over the thought that this makes you bad, wrong or stupid. That will not help. Rather, openly look at what's not working and create the kind of life or the kind of relationships you want. Get involved with your school and their program, for it will be a valuable resource for you on your own journey. It takes courage to do this, but it also takes caring enough about yourself to want to be your best self. No different then you want for your child.

This may be one of the most challenging times in your entire life, but being aware of what you do have control over, and letting go of what you don't, will greatly reduce the crazy-making stress you've been enduring. And as you progress, take the opportunity to "pay it forward" by sharing encouragements and the lessons you learned with other families in your school. It will affirm and anchor what you've learned and how far you've come. It feels good to give back. You can make it through this and come out better than before.

About The Author:
Glenda Gabriel is a strong advocate for parent's rights and the parent-choice industry. In addition to being the mother of a program graduate, she's worked for many years developing vital parent support services for structured residential boarding schools.